


(Not) Understood.

by TrappedInAFantasy



Category: The 100
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol, Death, F/M, Mentions of drugs, Overdose, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-06
Updated: 2015-01-17
Packaged: 2018-03-06 10:56:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3131939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrappedInAFantasy/pseuds/TrappedInAFantasy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'People fall in love in mysterious ways'. </p><p>At five years old, he doesn't understand this. What's mysterious about the way you fall in love? You see each other and you smile and you just know, you're in love. But, at five years old, Bellamy Blake doesn't understand much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**One-**

**'People fall in love in mysterious ways'.**

At five years old, he doesn't understand this. What's mysterious about the way you fall in love? You see each other and you smile and you just know, you're in love. But, at five years old, Bellamy Blake doesn't understand much. He doesn't understand why his mothers eyes light up when that man looks at her, or laughs.

He doesn't understand how she can be in love with him when he hits here, or calls her 'A worthless piece of shit, who's such a crack whore she'll keep her legs open for anyone'. When Bellamy questions her about it, all she replies with is, 'Bells, one day you'll grow up and fall for someone who is your guiding moon. Caius is like that too me. I've always told you that people fall in love in mysterious ways, this is an example of that'.

**Not understood.**

**Two-**

**'So don't fall in love there's just too much too lose'.**

Unfortunately, Bellamy understands this all to well. He understands how his mother can't get out of bed after Caius walked out, leaving her with an unborn child and a six year old son. He understands because he watched his own mother break her own heart into many more pieces than Caius did.

He understands as he watches his mother drink herself into oblivion and inject heroin and smoke cannabis and sleep with strange men for twenty dollars to fund her next fix. He understands as his mother couldn't look after his sister, with her fathers deep eyes and jaw line, he became a mother and a father, all rolled into one.

Bellamy understands after he gets home one day, at eighteen, earlier than expected to find her on the bathroom floor. Eyes wide, still and cold. Not breathing.

He makes sure the body's gone before a twelve year old Octavia gets there. The ambulance take her to the morgue.

**Understood.**

**Three-**

**'I've been having this dream that we can fly, So maybe if we never wake up, we can see the sky'.**

At ten years old, Bellamy's confused by this. Sure, he's dreamt he could fly before, everyone has. He was just confused about the last part. How could you see the sky if you never woke up? He didn't understand then, that maybe, just maybe, this made his mum feel okay, just for a little bit. Some people use sleep as an escape, his mother was one of these people.

She didn't want to have to look at Octavia, who looked so much like her father as she grew, it was painful to her.

But at ten years old, Bellamy Blake was confused about how people claimed that they could see the sky if they were sleeping. All he knew is his mother was asleep most of the time.

**Not understood.**

**Four-**

**'And I'd give up forever to touch you. Cause I know that you feel me somehow'.**

This is another thing that a seven year old Bellamy doesn't understand. Surely if you're touching someone, they'd feel it, right?'. When Bellamy's teacher asks what he would like to make his mother for Christmas in his elementary school Christmas craft day, he repeats to his teacher, a nice young women, with kind eyes and dark hair, Miss Oswald, the line his mother always sings.

Miss Oswald's confused by this, asks him what he means. He replies, 'I wanna give my mum forever. Because she wants someone to feel her, and even though I don't get what she means, it must be important. She spends most her days crying, she wants this bad. I just don't know where to get forever from'.

This leads to Miss Oswald phoning his mother, asking if everything is okay. She doesn't get a reply.

**Not understood.**

**Five-**

' **And in a pipe she flies to the Motherland. Or sells love to another man'.**

A fifteen year old Bellamy can't decided wether it's a bad thing or a good thing he understands this. When his mother is not taking drugs, or being as high as a kite from said drugs, or drinking herself into oblivion. She is out making the money to buy the drugs and alcohol, selling herself for sex on a street corner. By this stage, she is no longer the beautiful women she was nine years ago, before Caius left her broken inside. She's frail, dirty, and aged by drugs, but she still gets work. He's had two jobs on top of school work for two now, Monday's, Wednesday's, Friday's and Saturday's in a local café, making four dollars an hour. But it keeps food in the fridge. Tuesdays and Thursdays he works in a shoe shop in the main city, he would've had to lie about his age, if it wasn't his uncle who owned it. A lot above minimum wage, eight dollars per hour for twelve hours over the two days. This is what pays the rent.

But at least by understanding this, he wouldn't be worrying as to her whereabouts every night.

As he leaves work at midnight on the Thursday, he decides that it's a bad thing.

**Sadly, Understood.**

**Six-**

**'See my stomach’s tied in knots, I’m afraid of what I’ll find if you were to talk tonight'.**

Everyday coming home from school, Bellamy was terrified of what he would find waiting for him. If he mother would still even be alive, if she had overdosed on some sort of drug.

A awful, damned, part of him, almost wished she would die, because he couldn't do it. Taking care of his own mother, and Octavia, work and get go grades. His stomach would be tied up in massive knots, making him feel sick to his core as he walked up his road on a run down terrace.

It shouldn't be this way, at sixteen, dreading what will be found waiting for you. His mother should be the one taking care of him, not the other way around. His friend, Miller, he understands, his mother has cancer, his father left. He doesn't know what will happen when the cancer kills her. He knows it will, and soon, but he doesn't know what he will do.

Every night, he sits, helping his sister with her homework, cooking her dinner, usually some oven crap, worrying over money and the house. At sixteen, he shouldn't be worrying.

 **Understood**.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One-
> 
> 'People fall in love in mysterious ways'. 
> 
> At twenty three years old, he finally understands this.

**One-**

**'People fall in love in mysterious ways'.**

At twenty three years old, he finally understands this. He drives down to Octavia's new college, six weeks after she started at eighteen. Not that he has an qualms about admitting it, he's so proud of her. Yale, full scholarship. Pre-med. It's on that weekend when he drives down on the Saturday morning, three hours, leaving at six, to strive to leave to go back up Sunday morning.

Knocking loudly, he grins as he knows his sister is not a morning person. However, he's startled when a blonde answers the door.

'Well?'.

Bellamy is stunned into silence, can't get out one word, let alone one sentence.

'Just going to stand there?'.

'Um, Octavia... I'm Bellamy... Sister'.

'Bellamy Blake! Heard a lot about you'.

Somewhere, his confidence jumps back, and he smirks before answering, 'Wish I could say the same about you, Princess'.

'Princess?'. He nods to her Frozen pyjama top, 'You look more like an Elsa'.

'How do you...?'.

'I'm a maths teacher, some of the tenth graders I teach are obsessed'.

'I'll go and wake Octavia'.

'Never caught your name Princess'.

'Its Clarke'.

It's pretty he thought, suits her, she's pretty. He shook his head, girls were never pretty, hot, sexy, bang-able maybe, but never pretty. It must be the early start, he thought.

Octavia came out of her room, with yoga pants and a vest top on. She ran into Bellamy's arms and he picked her up, her feet hanging at least a foot of the ground.

'Little sister I missed you'.

'I missed you big brother'. She glances to where Princess had sat at the breakfast bar surrounded with books and pens, her notebook open.

'Introductions I think'.

'No need little sis, already been introduced to Princess'.

'Oh, okay, I'm going to get dressed, then me and you are going out. You wanna come Clarkey?',

'No thanks Tavia, thanks for the offer although, I'm going to study'.

'God, Clarkey, you're such a nerd'. Princess only sticks her tongue out in return.

Octavia's calm, sweet, voice can be heard singing in the next room, some Mayday Parade band she likes. He looked over at the blonde, with her tongue sticking out in concentration.

Golden strands, illuminated by sunlight hung around her face and her blue eyes were startling. She was beautiful. There were no other words for her.

The next time her saw here, she was cooking. Bellamy had gone to see Octavia again, and he also wanted to see her again. He wasn't going to lie. She made blueberry pancakes with a fruity syrup and he saw to damn God, they were the best pancakes ever.

 

It was until Clarke's nineteenth birthday three months later, five months after he met her, that he realised. He had spent all night nursing a beer watching her dance with his sister and her nerdy friends, and he wanted to dance with her. And, like a proper gentleman, he asked her to dance.

Holding her hand, he understood. He was in love. He'd fallen in love in a mysterious way.

**Understood, finally.**

**Two-**

**'So don't fall in love there's just too much too lose'.**

He understands this as he's twenty four, holding a sobbing Clarke into his arms, comforting her as she finds out her boyfriend high school sweetheart cheated, a lot.

On one of his frequent weekend visits he was making some dinner, as both Octavia and Clarke had been studying all day, that's when he heard the raised voices.

'NO, FINN! YOU LISTEN, YOU LIED AND CHEATED FOR TWO YEARS WITH ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS. I'M NOT MAD AT HER, BECAUSE WE HADN'T SEEN EACH OTHER IN AGES AND YOU TOLD HER YOU WERE SINGLE!'.

'Clarke, please, I can't live without you'.

'You didn't think about that while you were fucking my friend. Get out my life Finn'.

'Clarke, I didn't mean-'.

It was that moment Bellamy opened the door and Clarke rushed inside. Finn made to follow her, before he put his arm in front of the entrance and told him to get out before he punched him.

He slammed the door in his face, actually hitting him as he did so.

Lightly, he kissed her forehead and picked her up and sat her on the large sofa, sitting down next to her, pulling her legs over his lap, her head in his shoulder.

And as he held her as she poured her heart out and looked at the broken pieces, his own heart broke. He felt he lost everything, he wanted to be the one to put the pieces back together, but he couldn't be. 

He regretted falling for her, as the song was right, there is too much to lose.

**Understood.**

**Three-**

**'I've been having this dream that we can fly, So maybe if we never wake up, we can see the sky'.**

When he dreamed about Clarke, they weren't all, that, sort of dream. Sure, he wasn't going to lie, some were, but he would have dreams where they were so happy he could fly.

In his dreams he told her how he felt about her. And she would kiss him and say she felt the same way. They would kiss, some times do some more, but not always.

He would watch them get married and have children. They would watch the sky.

The sky.

Always a prominent feature, always there. The sky was beautiful, just like her. And his whole being ached to tell her this, but he never told her this, he couldn't find the right words. 

When he eventually admitted to her how he felt after about thirty attempts. She kissed him.

And told him.

That the first time they met.

She couldn't stop thinking about him.

She admitted that she stopped loving Finn long ago, but was still hurt.

She loved him.

Suddenly, the sky in real life was as beautiful as in his dreams. But not as beautiful as Clarke.

Never as beautiful as Clarke.

**Understood.**

**Four-**

**'And I'd give up forever to touch you. Cause I know that you feel me somehow'.**

This, he understands.

There are nights, where the fall into bed, discarding clothes as they go in a flurry of wild passion and heat. After, when they are tired, and satisfied and Clarke lays in her dorm room with Bellamy, she at nineteen and him at twenty four, with her head on his chest, listening to his heart beat evenly beneath his chest, that she believes this is all she truly wants. After she falls into a deep slumber, Bellamy stays awake, just watching her as she curls into his side, stroking his fingers up and down her spine, along the gentle dip.

Octavia comes into the dorm just after two o'clock, having been out with Lincoln, he pulls on his trousers that are lying on the floor and opens the door. She's leaning against the kitchen counter, high heels in hand and a glass of water in the other.

'Hey, big brother'.

'Lincoln brought you back right?'.

'Yeah, walked me too the door. Look, Bells, I know you don't like him, but, he's a good-'.

Clarke's presence in the room, cuts her off. She's stood in the door jam, just watching them. 'I'm not interrupting am I?'.

'No, you're good Princess, I was just coming back to bed, just need to talk to Octavia about Lincoln'.

'Go easy on him, Bell, he loves her. Hurry back, yeah'.

Bellamy looks at her, surveying Clarke up and down. She's in his shirt that he wore on his Friday drive down after finishing teaching his tenth graders, just a mere ten hours earlier. The shirt falls to mid thigh, the dark colour contrasting greatly with her pale skin tone.

'I will'.

Clarke went back into her room and closed the door behind her, her way of saying that they had privacy, he turned back to Octavia.

'Do you love him, O?'.

Her face breaks into a grin, her eyes alight. 'Yes, more than I thought possible'. It was scary, watching his nineteen year old sister fall in love so easily, she was so young.

'Does he love you? Hey, what am I thinking, that's more than obvious. Will he take care of you?'.

'He already does, he turns up with Chinese takeaway when I text him I'm hungry and gives me his hoddie when I'm cold, regardless of wether it means his cold. He watches crappy movies with me when I'm sick. Catches me when I fall over, and with this being me, I do a lot'.

'Thats good enough for me'.

He goes back into Clarke's room, where she's already lost the shirt, standing naked at the foot of the bed, the multiple strings of fairy lights around her room cover her body in a soft glow.

'Well, would you look at you, Princess'.

'You like it then?'.

He walks the short distance towards her, places is hands on the backs of her thighs, she knows this means she should jump up, wrapping her legs around his waist. Her hands go automatically to his hair, running them through his dark, unruly curls. Quickly finding his sensitive spot between his jaw and shoulder, she bites down, drawing out a long moan from him.

Unwrapping her legs, he chucks her backwards and she giggles as she lands.

An hour later, Clarke has just drifted into another sleep, and Bellamy hovered his hands above her body. Never touching. He knew she still felt it because she made soft little purring noises.

At eight thirty Monday morning sat teaching his twelfth grade maths class, he could still feel her hands all over him.

**Understood.**

**Five-**

**'And in a pipe she flies to the Motherland. Or sells love to another man'.**

The last time he understood this, was before his mother died, when he was eighteen. He's glad that now, at twenty eight, he can't remember how this feels. He can't remember how any of it felt, he's blocked it out of his head.

Now he's married and Clarke's too smart to take drugs and with a stable job, she doesn't need to sell herself out for anything. Not that he'd let her anyway.

Not understood anymore. Thankfully.

**Six-**

**'See my stomach’s tied in knots, I’m afraid of what I’ll find if you were to talk tonight'.**

When Clarke was twenty, her father was murder in a riot. He was trying to stop people from rioting, he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. And for months after, Clarke was a state, drinking because she couldn't handle it. She couldn't handle a world without her father.

Every weekend, Bellamy would leave his school at half four, half an hour after school finished, he would already have an over night bag packed and he wouldn't stop driving until he got to the Chinese takeaway place just outside the campus where Octavia and Clarke lived. His stomach was tied in knots every time. He was terrified, scared that the alcohol had poisoned her blood. Scared she overdosed because she wanted to see her father again.

Even though he was worried for nothing, **Understood**.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I hope you enjoyed and a big thank you to the surprisingly large number of kudos, you're all amazing! Only one more chapter to go


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'People fall in love in mysterious ways'. 
> 
> Clarke's only nine when she understands this.

**One-**

**'People fall in love in mysterious ways'.**

Clarke's only nine when she understands this. Her fathers away with work a lot, so she spends most her time following her mother around the hospital she works at. It's not technically allowed, but because her mother is head Dr Abigail Griffin, they seem to make an exception.

Jackson is only seventeen when he takes up an apprenticeship in the hospital, he's some sort of child protege, going to Yale at just thirteen. Clarke watches him fall in love with her mother from the staff room, where she gets sweets from the staff who know she's going to be there, and diet coke from the vending machine down the hall from the staff who only find out on their shift. The first time her and Jackson meet he doesn't talk down to her, he just looks at her art work in front of her, tells her she has a talent and asks her if she needs any help with her homework.

Even from afar, like Clarke is, she can see Jackson falling in love with her mother from the way he watches her work. He falls for her words, most of which medical related, the way she doesn't treat him like a child, but an equal. He falls for her ageing beauty, at thirty she has shiny, soft brown hair, kind eyes and laughter lines. There's no denying she's beautiful.

Clarke thinks that falling for someone's words is a mysterious thing, but then, she can't ever imagine falling for anyone. But she understands that it is possible to fall for someone in that way.

She remembers her father telling her that the first thing that made him fall for his mother was her hands, and how they could heal.

**Understood**. Although she can't imagine doing it herself.

**Two-**

**'So don't fall in love there's just too much too lose'.**

This, she doesn't understand. What can be lost while falling in love? Surely there's only gain, right, you get the one you love out of it?

Five years later, she realises that if she looked harder when she was ten years old, she would have seen Jackson lose everything when her mother rejected him when he kissed her on a night shift. He drank himself in oblivion that night, and cried all his tears away, until he couldn't possibly cry anymore. She would have seen how he had permanent dark circles around his eyes, or the scars laced across his wrists. At the time, she didn't know what they were or what they meant, but she felt it best she didn't ask. A fact Jackson was immensely grateful for, how do you explain to a ten year old that he inflicted the pain upon himself?

She would have seen Wells' mother lose her life over her love for her husband. It drove her to insanity, pushed her over the edge. Nala Jaha became so overcome with the thought of not having her husband anymore, regardless of the fact he was still there, she killed herself. Clearly, she was mentally ill in some way, it was just never picked up on.

Love made her lose everything, even her life.

**Understood.**

**Three-**

**'I've been having this dream that we can fly, So maybe if we never wake up, we can see the sky'.**

Having pondered over this for several months, Clarke, at eleven still can't understand this. Sure, having dreams where you have super powers, like flying or being immortal. This part, she understood.

It was the next part that confused her, surely you need to wake up if you're doing to see the sky? Not a lot confused her, but this certainly did.

It was really bugging her, not **Understood.**

**Four-**

**'And I'd give up forever to touch you. Cause I know that you feel me somehow'.**

When she was twelve, she was in a car accident with her dad. Physically, she was completely fine, mentally was a different story for another time. As the car hit them, it hit her fathers side, rather than hers. For two weeks, he was in a coma, while the doctors ran tests, trying to find out what was wrong with him. And for two weeks, her mother only left his side to go to the toilet and shower once every two days. In the meantime, Clarke stayed with Wells, her best friend, and his family, who were basically her family.

At the weekends and after school, she would to visit her father in the hospital and she would ask her mother why she never stopped holding her fathers hand and stroking his hair.

'Because, Clarke, honey, people in coma's can still hear and feel what is going on around them. By holding your fathers hand, he can still feel it and know that we're hear to look after him and we're waiting for him to wake up and we love him. He'll feel it some how and know we want him to wake up'.

So, when Clarke was with him, she held his hand and told him about her day.

He woke up a week later.

**Understood.**

**Five-**

**'And in a pipe she flies to the Motherland. Or sells love to another man'.**

At twelve, Clarke understands the first part of this. Every time she sees Jackson, he smells of marijuana mixed with the smell of vodka and heartbreak. He truly believed he was the love with her mother, and at just twenty years old, he's had enough of life, and love.

Things come to a head a year later, where Clarke's in the hospital, waiting for her mum to finish her shift when a emergency case comes in. She overhears it being described, 'Twenty one year old male, heart rate is at 119 bpm, possible suicide attempt'. As soon as she hears this, a feeling of dread creeps through her, like a cold ice cream, chilling and scary.

Jackson was given a job at the hospital after his apprenticeship ended when he was nineteen, but they dismissed him a year and a half later because of his problems. After Clarke's mother pumped his stomach of the alcohol and pills, and stopped his cuts bleeding, Clarke went to see him.

'Hey, Jackson'.

'Hey, Clarkey, how are you?'.

'How are you?'.

'As well as you think I am I guess'.

'Why?'.

'I'm in love with your mother, Clarke, and she doesn't love me'.

'Thats no reason to kill yourself, Jackson, or smoke stupid things'.

'You don't understand'.

'Then help me too!'.

'I don't know how to Clarke. I take drugs or I drink and I stop feeling. It's like I go to another planet'.

She doesn't know how to respond to that, so she doesn't. Instead, she tells him about her day about school and her argument with a stupid boy call John Murphy.

'Next time he calls you weak because your a girl, punch him in the face and elbow him in the gut'.

Neither of them notice Abby stood in the door jam, 'You teaching my daughter to fight?'.

Jackson smiles a little 'Guilty'.

'Its about time someone did'.

Abby gives her daughter a pointed looked, clearly telling her to get lost, and Clarke leaves, although listens through the door.

The conversation is slightly muffled.

'Jackson, please look at me'.

'Abby, look. Please just go, thank you for not letting me die, but please'.

'I'm sorry I didn't help, I didn't notice'.

'Its fine Abby'.

'No it's not. And I'm going to help you fight this, not matter what. And, another thing, you're not in love with me'.

Jackson opened his mouth to protest before Abby shushed him.

'You're in love with the idea of love, you're young, there's someone out there for you. It's just not me'.

Jackson slowly gets better, and a year later at twenty two, he has his old job back.

When Clarke turns eighteen, she introduces him to her friend, a Hispanic girl with a fiery attitude, a girl called Raven. Despite the eight year age difference, they get on like a house on fire.

Three years later, Jackson at twenty nine and Raven at twenty two, Clarke and Abby can't stop crying at his wedding, with Bellamy handing them both tissues throughout. The same thing occurs eighteen months later when they're introduced to Jonas, their baby boy and another year later when they're introduced to Lila, a beautiful baby girl, who's the spit of Raven, even as a newborn.

**Understood.**

**Six-**

**'See my stomach’s tied in knots, I’m afraid of what I’ll find if you were to talk tonight'.**

Clarke doesn't understand this and she doesn't even how how to start trying to understand it.

**Not** **Understood**.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I lied when I said last chapter that would only be one more chapter. I don't know how many more there will be. Please drop a comment and thank you to everyone who dropped a kudos. 
> 
> Via x.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One-
> 
> 'People fall in love in mysterious ways'. 
> 
> Regardless of what she used to think, that she understood this, but thought it would never happen to her.

**One-**

**'People fall in love in mysterious ways'.**

Regardless of what she used to think, that she understood this, but thought it would never happen to her.

Clarke was eighteen, had been at Yale for a mere six weeks when someone knocked her door early one Saturday, probably about nine o'clock. She answered, expecting Monty or Jasper scavenging for some breakfast before a day of studying.

What she wasn't expecting was an incredibly handsome, tall, twenty something with amazing freckles.

'Well?', She asks, quicky losing some of her world-renowned patience.

The man is completely silent, he can't see to get out one word, let alone one sentence to reply to her.

'Just going to stand there?'. Very quickly losing patience now.

'Um, Octavia... I'm Bellamy... Sister'.

'Bellamy Blake! Heard a lot about you'. Because she has, Octavia never shuts up about him.

He smirks before answering, 'Wish I could say the same about you, Princess'.

'Princess?', She's confused by this. Fin calls her that, does he know him?

He nods to her Frozen pyjama top, 'You look more like an Elsa'.

'How do you...?', She's silently relived when he doesn't reply with "I know your boyfriend".

'I'm a maths teacher, some of the tenth graders I teach are obsessed'.

She nods, getting slightly awkward in her Frozen pyjama top and a pair of Finn's boxers she stole, 'I'll go and wake Octavia'.

'Never caught your name Princess'.

'Its Clarke'.

The next time she sees him, is later that evening, about eight o'clock when he and Octavia come back from their day trip with a large warm spiced pumpkin latte with her name on it.

'Oh, my God, I could kiss you Tavia'.

'Wasn't me, Bellamy bought it, his idea, I just told him what you liked'. She looks over to Bellamy, and he just shrugs.

'I figured you be in need of caffeine if you've been studying all day'.

Hopping off her chair, she gallops over to him, goes on her tiptoes and presses a kiss to his cheek. Octavia just laughs at his face.

The next time she sees him, she makes blueberry pancakes and a fruit syrup, and he tells her they're the best pancakes he's ever had.

One her nineteenth birthday, he buys her several jotter pads to write notes down in, rainbow coloured pens, highlighters, pencils, cute scented rubbers, the works. She kisses his cheek again and he blushes.

At her party, he asks her to dance like a proper gentleman, and held his hand while they danced, his faced changed, he looked different, she just couldn't put her finger on why.

She's ashamed to admit that she was still with Finn when she fell for Bellamy. She fell for the way he couldn't form a sentence when he first met her, the way her bought her coffee having only just met her, the way he complimented her, knew the most practical and thoughtful birthday gift that he could buy her, was a gentleman around her.

And then she realised that she had fallen for someone in a mysterious way, even though she thought she never would.

**Understood.**

**Two-**

**'So don't fall in love there's just too much too lose'.**

Even though she understood this before, she experiences it first hand just after her nineteenth birthday. It's Raven who tells her what happened. She doesn't drag it out, just sits down next to her in the library, tells Tavia to bugger off and makes Clarke look at her.

'I need to tell you something. Just listen before you say anything. I slept with Finn. He told me you guys had broken up and I hadn't spoken to you in a little while so I just took his word for it but now I feel terrible. It was four months ago, before you introduced me too Jackson, and as soon as I found out you guys were still together, I called him up, yelled at him for half an hour'.

'Raven. It's fine, I'm not mad at you'.

'Oh. So what are you going to do?'.

'Rip Finn's balls of'.

This leads to the argument that Bellamy over hears out side the dorm room.

'NO, FINN! YOU LISTEN, YOU LIED AND CHEATED FOR TWO YEARS WITH ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS. I'M NOT MAD AT HER, BECAUSE WE HADN'T SEEN EACH OTHER IN AGES AND YOU TOLD HER YOU WERE SINGLE!'.

'Clarke, please, I can't live without you'.

'You didn't think about that while you were fucking my friend. Get out my life Finn'.

'Clarke, I didn't mean-'.

It's this exact moment Bellamy decides to become her saviour, and pulls the dorm room door open and she runs inside and collapses to the floor. Feeling a soft kiss on her forehead, she looks up to see Bellamy lifting her off the floor, as she if weighs no more than a baby, and carrying her over to the sofa, where he puts her down and sits next to her.

He waits patiently for her tears to stop before he starts talking, and he only tells her that Finn was an idiot who he would have like to have thrown of a cliff before this, now he wants to cut him up into small pieces and fed him to the sharks.

This made her laugh, and then she sighs, a deep sigh.

'Come on Princess. He wasn't ever going to be worth it'.

'Its not that. He went behind my back with my friend'.

'Are you mad at her?'.

'No. He told her that we were over and we haven't seen each other much. It was a little while ago, she's got an almost thing with someone my mum works with now. But still'.

'He still cheated with your friend'.

Clarke bursts into tears. 'I've given him everything, four years of my life that I won't get back. I hate him, I hate him. I HATE HIM! He says he can't live without me, didn't fucking think of that when he was shagging other people, did he? Maybe it was me, maybe I wasn't-'.

'No Clarke, don't think that'.

'Why, I'm stupid, ugly, frigid. That's a fact he's reminded me of many times'.

And for the first time. Clarke regretted falling in love, because it was right, there is too much to lose in love.

**Understood.**

**Three-**

**'I've been having this dream that we can fly, So maybe if we never wake up, we can see the sky'.**

For the first month of dating Bellamy, she has dreams, silly little dreams of them. They're so happy they could fly. She dreams that they can be together, growing old by each other's side, so she's decided they think that way and never face reality, they can have a future together, they'll be able too see the sky.

She kept believing they had a future, they only faced reality when absolutely potent.

They saw the sky.

Understood.

**Four-**

**'And I'd give up forever to touch you. Cause I know that you feel me somehow'.**

The first month after giving birth to James, Clarke and Bellamy's oldest child, she can't bear to be apart from him, always carrying him around, stroking his head or touching his hand.

Bellamy grows slightly worried about her, not entirely sure wether it's normal behaviour, so he contacts Abby.

'Its completely normal Bellamy, I promise. The first two months after I had Clarke, I couldn't stand being apart from her. I'd be worried if Clarke could leave him, frankly. She'll grow out of it eventually, as he gets older'.

'So, then, should I be acting the same way as Clarke? Is there something wrong with me?'.

'No, maternal instincts are different in women. Cross my heart. You know what, give Jackson a call, get a male perspective'.

He took Abby's advice and gave Jackson a call.

'Bellamy, it's completely normal. In fact, Raven was even worse because she had not long been walking again without her brace and crutches, and the wheelchair didn't have to be packed into the car wherever we went. She just wouldn't stop walking around with Jonas. Actually speak of the devil- just a second- Jonas! Don't! Put the juice cup in the kitchen, your mummy will be cross if you get any in Lila's hair- sorry, Jonas is a three year old with the willpower of a bulldozer and Lila is sleeping and he loves annoying her while she's sleeping, so she gets grumpy. You know what wait a little while before your next one'.

Bellamy just laughs and then promises that they will wait, because Clarke doesn't want to go through that pain again for a little while.

'Hey, though we all need a lads night'.

'Bell, mate, you're getting a bit old to be saying that'.

'You're the old one, you're thirty three'.

'Wow! You can count'.

'Fuck off'.

'Okay, wait, Jonas, no! Don't even think about putting chocolate sauce in her hair! Sorry, Bellamy, I need to go, Raven will kill me if I allow this toddler terrorism to take place! I hope that I could help you'.

'Yeah, you did thank you! Hope you get it sorted!'.

Later that night, he gets home to find Clarke laid on their bed with James on her chest and their greyhound whippet Newton sat protectively by their side.

'Clarke? Can I ask you a question?'.

'Hit me with it Bells'.

'Why do you touch James so much?'.

'Um. I knew this was going to come up. They say that even though babies can't understand you through words, they can feel love in your touch. I just want him to feel me somehow'.

From that moment on, Bellamy touches James as much as Clarke does.

**Understood.**

**Five-**

**'And in a pipe she flies to the Motherland. Or sells love to another man'.**

Clarke understood this while watching Jackson destroy himself with drugs, trying to find relief. She also watched him get better, get his life back on track, watched him fall in love with one of her best friends and be loved back.

After a while, she forgot what it felt like.

Until she was forty five, and Bellamy was away with his school on a overnight camping trip with the tenth graders, and the doorbell went at twenty to one. Clarke opened it to find her daughter, eighteen year old Sophie, in a mess of tears and mascara smelling like cannabis.

'He doesn't love me Mum'.

'Sophie, what have you done?'.

'I wanted him to so badly love me, Mummy, I wanted him to fall for me. He's marrying her Mum. It's supposed to take away the pain. Make it easier'.

Sophie pauses, before putting her head in Clarke's lap, 'It's made it worse, Mummy. I can't hope to forget now. I can't even see him again. He'll just make me fall harder. I can't Mummy. I just want to lie here'.

Clarke lets her sleep it of, calling Jackson while she's asleep.

'Heya, Jackson, sorry for calling so late'.

'Its no problem, I'm on the graveyard shift'.

'Its Sophie. She turned up in a bit of a state, having smoked some cannabis earlier. She said Jonas is getting married?'.

'Well, this is news to me'.

'What?'.

'I didn't know anything about this',

'Oh. Can you come to talk to her tomorrow?'.

'Yeah sure, midday ish good?'.

'Perfect'.

'If she took cannabis, it's probably made her think things that aren't real, it did to me'.

'Thank you, Jackson'.

'Its no problem, Clarke'.

After all these years of forgetting, Understood.

**Six-**

**'See my stomach’s tied in knots, I’m afraid of what I’ll find if you were to talk tonight'.**

Even after ninety three years of life, Clarke Blake still can't say she knows what this means. Even if she did, she would have forgotten it a long time ago.

**Not understood.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a note, I know it is usually Raven and Wick but I was toying with non canon couples and these sprang to mind. I'll do disclaimers at the end of the story.

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is just an idea that popped into my head at midnight last night, and was written then, another chapter to come at some point and a review about how you felt about it would be amazing.


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